Losing a child is the single greatest heartbreak most parents can imagine. Regardless of age, outliving your child changes everything. Depression sets in, marriages and other relationships suffer and and efforts to quickly move past grief frequently fail. Longterm healing is possible, but it takes time.
Therapist Steven Kalas shared his take on grieving the death a child in his book “Human Matters,” explaining that profound grief is like being in a stage play when stagehands suddenly push a grand piano into the middle of the set. The piano dominates the stage, blocking your ability to interact with the other players, and you keep bumping into it, “surprised each time that it’s still there.”
He says you can’t ignore this piano, it changes everything, and you must rewrite the play around it. Over time, you learn to work with it, writing it into every scene. You engage with it, and it’s a part of your life, not to be forgotten.
“You learn to play that piano,” Steven says. “You’re surprised to find that you want to play, that it’s meaningful, even peaceful to play it. At first your songs are filled with pain, bitterness, even despair. But later you find your songs contain beauty, peace, a greater capacity for love and compassion. You and grief — together — begin to compose hope.”
Sounds like a great goal, but how do you begin to compose hope? Here are a few ways to start:
Don’t go it alone
You might assume others can’t understand your loss, and so you are tempted to just close yourself off from them. Give yourself some time to grieve but then reach out to your loved ones. Your other children, your spouse, your parents and siblings, and your child’s friends are hurting, too. Sharing your memories and talking about the good times can be challenging and painful at first, but it can also help.
Seek outside counseling
Talking to a professional counselor or joining a grief support group can provide healing and understanding. In Nevada, people who have experienced loss can reach out to Adam’s Place, a nonprofit that helps support children, teens and families navigating grief. Adam’s place offers education, training and Camp Cope programs, as well as virtual support groups for adults every third Thursday of the month. The Compassionate Friends is a national organization with local chapters offering grieving parents advice and support virtually and in person all over the country.
Build a lasting tribute
Some grieving families preserve their child’s legacy through scholarships, foundations, fundraising or working to help save other children from an untimely death. This might take the form of raising awareness, becoming an activist or lobbying for new legislation. Some parents find themselves beginning a whole new career, but even volunteering a few hours a month can help turn grief into hope.
Preserve memories
Keep a journal and a scrapbook to record memories and preserve photos of your child. Invite other family members or friends to contribute their memories, too. You can pull this journal out during times you wish you could share something with your child.
There is no way to normalize the death of a child. Coping means finding ways to support yourself and your family through the immediate aftermath and then create meaningful ways to honor your child’s memory in the days to come.