If you are helping a spouse, parent or other important person in your life prepare for their final journey, you are already carrying the weight of your own impending grief as you try to help them with practical needs and provide emotional support.
So, first, understand that what you are doing is important. It matters. It takes strength. Your loved one may not have the capacity to express this to you, or thank you for all you are doing. Make sure you have the support and emotional outlets you need for your own safety and peace. If you become overwhelmed, ask for help.
We all will someday die, but those with a terminal diagnosis have a defined timeline. Your loved one might be in a hospital or at home with hospice care. They are likely anxious about getting their affairs in order, as the saying goes. This has become a complicated endeavor, one that sometimes requires help from family, friends and professionals.
Some may become worried about dotting every i and crossing every t to put their legacy in place, while others might avoid the subject completely and not want to speak of the future. Supporting your loved one means balancing practical help and emotional needs, and what that looks like will differ from person to person.
Being present for your loved one emotionally means, simply, being there and listening. Take cues from their level of comfort. If they want to discuss their beliefs or fears about dying, follow their lead. Don’t try to “fix” anything or change the subject. Taking an overly positive stance can seem insulting to someone who has made peace with their timeline.
Practical help, in the form of chores and organizing, can take stress off your loved one. See if your loved one can use assistance with tasks like:
- Preparing meals
- Coordinating appointments
- Providing transportation
- Household chores
- Organizing medications
- Assisting with communication among family and friends
If you are the next of kin or have been named with the power of attorney, you will need to attend to legal documents. This can include a will, an advance directive, insurance information and other matters. Many of these require assistance from an attorney or, at the least, a notary to be recognized as official. If your loved one does not have a family attorney, set up a consultation with one and make a list of questions. It’s far easier to get questions resolved now than wait until after your loved one has passed away.
Many people have strong feelings regarding the disposition of their remains, so they may tell you quite firmly, and repeatedly, that they want to be buried in a certain cemetery, or have their ashes scattered in a particular place, or have their body donated to science. Find out if your loved one has pre-purchased any funeral arrangements, and, if so, make sure that paperwork is accessible. If they have not, it may give them comfort to assure them you have looked into options and settled on a way to ensure their wishes are followed. Simple Cremation offers a basic package and can also assist with body donation and scattering.
If your loved one has a “bucket list” of experiences or destinations, see what is still possible for them. If someone loves to travel and still has some mobility, a cruise or day trip can be a welcome adventure. Participating in things like hobbies and sports can also be adjusted depending on needs. If your loved one was once a champion skier, would they like to visit the ski lodge for an afternoon to have some cocoa and watch young kids learn how to ski?
Looking through old photos and creating a memory book with your loved one can be a wonderful exercise for anyone, regardless of mobility. Writing letters or recording messages for family members or friends is another meaningful way to preserve connections.
While your loved one is able to communicate, one of the most helpful questions is “What would make you feel supported right now?” They know their needs best, and those needs might change from day to day.