Writing a eulogy is simpler than most people realize. The basic ingredients are reflection, admiration and organization. First, take time to think about what your loved one meant to you and what defined them as a person. Write down thoughts you want to express. Then organize those thoughts into something you can say in front of people.
A eulogy is a very personal tribute, spoken while everyone is in a state of grief. Your honest thoughts and emotions are far more important than creating a polished, professional speech. So, leave the AI chatbots or virtual assistants turned off and focus on what’s in your heart.
The value of remembering
There are so many things to handle, so many details to keep track of when a loved one dies. Rather than seeing a eulogy as another daunting task before you, try to appreciate that this honor gives you permission to take a breath, slow down and sit with memories.
You might be overwhelmed with too many thoughts, so it helps to sort through memories by thinking about:
- Something unexpected or surprising they once did
- A time they showed great strength or resolve
- How something they did helped you through a tough time
- What you could always count on them for
- What family or friendship meant to them
The person you are celebrating likely has a lifetime of accomplishments, a personal philosophy, or a sense of humor that resonated with you. We are all complex beings, and a eulogy need not be sugar-coated and only mention the bright spots. Now is the time to sit down and make a list of memories that can help tell your loved one’s story.
Write what feels natural for you
The easiest things to talk about will be what you have experienced yourself, personally. So, think about your relationship with your loved one and the impact they had on you. For example, if they served in the military years before you were born, that’s not in your sphere of familiarity — but you can talk about how your loved one told you stories about their time serving and how it inspired you, in turn, to join the service.
A eulogy is not a final exam, so don’t use stilted, academic language. Be yourself. You can speak casually, knowing you are among friends and family. Sometimes a moment of humor can be appropriate, and a shared laugh can help break the tension. If you aren’t sure whether your light-hearted remark will strike the right chord or fall flat, run it by a family member or close friend beforehand.
Use structure as a guide
It might be tempting to list everything you admire about your loved one and recite a long list of their accomplishments. In shaping your final draft, keep in mind that 1,000 words will take the average person around seven or eight minutes to say.
Don’t rely on your phone; create a paper copy with a large, readable font. Whether you prefer a simple list of shorthand notes or a few typed pages you intend to recite word for word, paper won’t glitch — and it shows others you put time and thought into preparation. That paper itself might also become something you wish to keep in a memory box.
Many eulogies draw upon a familiar structure:
- Who your loved one was to you
- Some memories or stories about them
- What they meant to you, and others present
- What you learned from them and are grateful for
- A farewell message
If your eulogy is to accompany a scattering of ashes, you might also begin with a few words about the place you are in and why it was important to your loved one.
Deliver it at your own pace
Everyone understands that you will show emotions, so take a moment whenever you feel overwhelmed. Keep a glass of water near you. If you worry that you’ll read everything too fast (a common effect of being nervous or emotional), mark places on your paper to take pauses. Practice the eulogy a few times before the service.
For some, the details you share might be something they’ve never heard before, and they will appreciate the new glimpses into your loved one’s life. Those who are already familiar with your memories will feel a connection with you and others present as they listen to you tell the story from your perspective. A beautiful eulogy, like all human traditions, helps bring us all together.