Coming up with the right thing to say when someone close to you experiences a loss can be challenging. You know it’s important to offer your condolences and let them know you’re there for them, but you’re afraid to say the wrong thing, and staying silent isn’t an option. People often feel alone and isolated because their friends and family don’t know what to say. Here are some suggestions to help you broach the topic.
First, remember that any words of comfort are appreciated. No matter how you reach out — in person, on the phone, via social media, text or email — the most important thing is letting them know you care. A heartfelt “I don’t know what to say” or “I can’t find the words” is better than silence. In person, a quiet hug can speak volumes.
If you can offer tangible help, do so. Bear in mind that an open-ended “Let me know if I can help in any way” puts the burden on them, and thinking about their own needs might be too much to process right now. Instead, offer up a few particular ways you might lighten their load. Ask if you can bring them a meal, provide babysitting, run a specific errand or take care of some chores. Simply saying “I have a casserole to bring over, what time is best?” is a direct approach that communicates you’ve anticipated a need, put in the effort and can drop by whenever convenient.
Things to avoid saying:
- Anything starting with “at least” (“At least you got to say goodbye”)
- Comparing their loss with a loss you suffered (“I know just how you feel”)
- Bright-siding the experience (“She’s in a better place now”)
- Side-stepping (“This too shall pass”)
While you might eventually share things that helped you through a period of grief, don’t immediately change the subject to your own experiences or draw comparisons. Don’t say anything that minimizes the loss or tries to bypass grief.
Focus on the grieving person and their loved one. Ask questions about happier times, and what they loved most about the person. If you knew the deceased, share a favorite memory of them. That small story might be a warm new discovery to the person grieving them.
Try not to force another person’s experience through your own belief filter. Statements like “He’s with the angels now,” or “Her spirit is looking down on you” are meant well, but unless they come from the family’s spiritual leader, they can hit the wrong note. Even within the same community or family, people differ widely on how they interpret faith. The only way to find out someone’s personal beliefs and how they relate to death is to ask them, then follow their lead.
When in doubt, keep it simple and honest. Tell them you know this is difficult and you are sorry for their loss. Tell them you love them. Tell them you are thinking about them, and they can call you if they want to talk.